Well folks here we are! My 40th day since my spiritual surgery. That means that I can now exercise (yoga!) have body work (massage!) make love (Bob!) They were no nos because they get in the way of the entities healing energy. I am now officially done with the post-op period. Still no alcohol, weed, pork or chili peppers because I am on the herbs and will be for a few more weeks.
I thought I would be more excited to resume some of the activities of my previous life. I dreamt of hand standing in my studio, hiking the trails behind my house and yes being with Bob in the biblical sense. But.... This morning I was very tentative in my yoga -- like a beginner not sure of my balance -- feeling every little move and sure I was doing it wrong (hope I don't feel that way tonight!). Couldn't even kick my leg up in handstand -- so humbling! Took a long, brisk walk today and felt like I was carrying 2 pianos on each leg every time I took a step. Six weeks without physical activity! News flash: I didn't miss it as much as I thought I did. Here's what I did miss: being in nature and fresh air and being connected to my yoga community of the coolest friends and students a girl can have. I now realize I had an exercise intervention! I do love movement and my daily walk (and yoga practice) is really just meditation in motion if done with awareness: 4 steps to each inhalation, 4 steps to each exhalation. It's all about MEDITATION.
The 40 day period is a symbolic period of honoring your commitment to consciousness as well as a wonderful excuse to do nothing which we rarely let ourselves do. It's really hard to do nothing! But that's where the quiet is. That's where the stillness is. That's where the information is.
Wish me luck tonight -- but I heard it's like riding a bike or swimming -- once you learn you never forget.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Non-Judgement Day is Near
Last night I had dinner with David and Charisse, a lovely couple who were part of my group in Brazil. It was so wonderful to see them and bask in the glow and flow of each others spiritual progress. Although all of us on the trip are in touch through email and facebook (yes I bit the bullet and finally went on facebook!) I didn't realize how much I missed physically being with my new spiritual partners in crime (okay not crime, but you get the gist!). There is sort of an assumed and immediate intimacy that is created when you share this type of wild, otherworldly experience. Kind of like the survivors of a plane crash but in a positive way! You start speaking in shorthand about your experiences and intuitively "get" what the other is going through.
In our group there was absolutely no gossip. No really! Even after 2 weeks! We all accepted one another totally and completely. Everyone was there for a reason: to grow spiritually, heal physically, mend emotionally or all of the above. There was a greater good to our group -- a power way too important to be maligned by pettiness of any kind. The backbiting, sniping, judgement etc. that you might think would be present in a group (think teen tour or camp bunk) scenario just didn't enter into our daily lives. I was very aware of this while I was there because every time my head started to go to the dark side of gossip (a bad habit left over from junior high)I stopped the thought and moved on. I realized my ugly thoughts stemmed from the judgement of someone being different from me. There was no "Can you believe she's wearing THAT white shirt to current room???" or "Did you see the way so and so brown nosed J of G in spiritual surgery today?" We all just did our own thing, accepted each other's fabulousness and limitations and doled out the love and support for each other.
Last week my pole dancing travel friend Wendy (remember her?) sent me a Valentine's Day card signed by her and her 2 pet rats (reread if you feel the need). For a moment I went to: Oh my god she's such a kook. Then I went to: she's so kooky I absolutely love her! So here I am, intimate and loving with people I would never normally meet much less feel close to. I don't know if the feeling will last but I suspect it will. I have become keenly aware of my knee-jerk reactions of judgment of others and consciously (the key word here!)focusing on acceptance. Can you imagine if we all did???
xxooo
In our group there was absolutely no gossip. No really! Even after 2 weeks! We all accepted one another totally and completely. Everyone was there for a reason: to grow spiritually, heal physically, mend emotionally or all of the above. There was a greater good to our group -- a power way too important to be maligned by pettiness of any kind. The backbiting, sniping, judgement etc. that you might think would be present in a group (think teen tour or camp bunk) scenario just didn't enter into our daily lives. I was very aware of this while I was there because every time my head started to go to the dark side of gossip (a bad habit left over from junior high)I stopped the thought and moved on. I realized my ugly thoughts stemmed from the judgement of someone being different from me. There was no "Can you believe she's wearing THAT white shirt to current room???" or "Did you see the way so and so brown nosed J of G in spiritual surgery today?" We all just did our own thing, accepted each other's fabulousness and limitations and doled out the love and support for each other.
Last week my pole dancing travel friend Wendy (remember her?) sent me a Valentine's Day card signed by her and her 2 pet rats (reread if you feel the need). For a moment I went to: Oh my god she's such a kook. Then I went to: she's so kooky I absolutely love her! So here I am, intimate and loving with people I would never normally meet much less feel close to. I don't know if the feeling will last but I suspect it will. I have become keenly aware of my knee-jerk reactions of judgment of others and consciously (the key word here!)focusing on acceptance. Can you imagine if we all did???
xxooo
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Detox anyone?
Just the word strikes fear in my gut! Detox from anything that we hold onto can be beyond scary. My daily yoga practice? A glass of wine with dinner? Coffee in the morning? Shopping online all the time? It's enough to make anyone pop a few Xanax and get back into bed!
Sometimes we have to go to extremes -- is there rehab for chocolate?
When I quit smoking 5 years ago (July 11) I knew it would be for the last time. After not smoking for 15 years, one cigarette led me back into hell. My friend Rachelle convinced me to join her on a 4 day juice fast at a retreat in the Catskills. On our way we stopped for lunch in Woodstock. I thought "let's make this a good one, it's gotta last 4 days!". Gorging on a bacon cheeseburger and bloody Mary we continued our drive north. Arriving at our deistination stoned on meat, dairy and alcohol, with a cigarette dangling from my lips I grandly pronounce to the proprietors "I'm here to detox!"
I have never felt so shitty in my entire life -- and I was paying for it! After 3 days of no sugar, dairy, salt, meat,alcohol, tar and nicotine I wanted to die. On the 4th day, Rachelle needed to make a jailbreak. "Let's take a ride" she said innocently enough. Twist my arm I said, already behind the wheel with the engine revving. We hit the next town spacey and starving. Then the (Jewish?) guilt took over. We bought some raw, unsalted, unroasted cashews and had 10 each. When we break the rules we really go for it!
The point is this: it's really hard to give up our attachments. Mostly because we don't even realize we are attached! Try for two days to give up an action you do daily. By the 3rd day you will know! It could be as simple as not playing online scrabble with your neighbor (who could that be?) to as difficult as not checking your emails. Let me know how you do.
Peace Out!
Xxoo
Sometimes we have to go to extremes -- is there rehab for chocolate?
When I quit smoking 5 years ago (July 11) I knew it would be for the last time. After not smoking for 15 years, one cigarette led me back into hell. My friend Rachelle convinced me to join her on a 4 day juice fast at a retreat in the Catskills. On our way we stopped for lunch in Woodstock. I thought "let's make this a good one, it's gotta last 4 days!". Gorging on a bacon cheeseburger and bloody Mary we continued our drive north. Arriving at our deistination stoned on meat, dairy and alcohol, with a cigarette dangling from my lips I grandly pronounce to the proprietors "I'm here to detox!"
I have never felt so shitty in my entire life -- and I was paying for it! After 3 days of no sugar, dairy, salt, meat,alcohol, tar and nicotine I wanted to die. On the 4th day, Rachelle needed to make a jailbreak. "Let's take a ride" she said innocently enough. Twist my arm I said, already behind the wheel with the engine revving. We hit the next town spacey and starving. Then the (Jewish?) guilt took over. We bought some raw, unsalted, unroasted cashews and had 10 each. When we break the rules we really go for it!
The point is this: it's really hard to give up our attachments. Mostly because we don't even realize we are attached! Try for two days to give up an action you do daily. By the 3rd day you will know! It could be as simple as not playing online scrabble with your neighbor (who could that be?) to as difficult as not checking your emails. Let me know how you do.
Peace Out!
Xxoo
Friday, February 18, 2011
consciousness, courage and cuticles
Back two weeks now and almost starting to feel normal again -- I mean the new normal! I am so much more aware of my behavior (for better or worse) than ever before. Instead of living for what's coming next I am living for what is happening now. Instead of flipping out over minutia I am seeing the big picture. Instead of feeling "I should" I am feeling "do I want to?" This whole existence is so simple and freeing yet to get to it does not have to be difficult. You don't have to sleep on the floor of an ashram in 110 degree heat or sit on a hard bench for hours on end in South America. That's why you have me!
Living consciously is a choice. Living consciously means I am in alignment with my greater good. Living consciously means I know when I am and when I am not in the groove. Its like your life is one big jigsaw puzzle and either the pieces fit perfectly or they don't. We all know when you try to jam a puzzle piece in (that'd be your ego) and it doesn't fit. That little nagging voice (no, not the one that tells you to step away from the new Spring bags and shoes); I mean the one that says "this doesn't FEEL right -- something is OFF here. That voice is EVERYTHING. It tells you how to proceed. The key is to LISTEN!! Yes people, its that simple. In order to listen you have to slow down, be quiet and check in. How else will your inner voice be heard? Put down the IPad, Blackberry, laptop, People Magazine and be heard!
This is a very scary and courageous way to live. It means going off the grid for short periods of time on a daily basis. I don't want to frighten you but its called meditation. Yes, the M word. If the word intimidates you call it "quiet time." Its a cure all for so many things (anxiety attacks, road rage, overeating, maxed out credit cards). You should see how beautiful my normally ragged and chewed cuticles look. Every time I unconsciously find myself zeroing in on a good hangnail I stop, take a breath (or two or three) and relax my body. It takes the urge away. Please don't hesitate to stop me on the street and ask to see my hands!
This having been Valentine's Day week I want to remind you all that EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN.
Living consciously is a choice. Living consciously means I am in alignment with my greater good. Living consciously means I know when I am and when I am not in the groove. Its like your life is one big jigsaw puzzle and either the pieces fit perfectly or they don't. We all know when you try to jam a puzzle piece in (that'd be your ego) and it doesn't fit. That little nagging voice (no, not the one that tells you to step away from the new Spring bags and shoes); I mean the one that says "this doesn't FEEL right -- something is OFF here. That voice is EVERYTHING. It tells you how to proceed. The key is to LISTEN!! Yes people, its that simple. In order to listen you have to slow down, be quiet and check in. How else will your inner voice be heard? Put down the IPad, Blackberry, laptop, People Magazine and be heard!
This is a very scary and courageous way to live. It means going off the grid for short periods of time on a daily basis. I don't want to frighten you but its called meditation. Yes, the M word. If the word intimidates you call it "quiet time." Its a cure all for so many things (anxiety attacks, road rage, overeating, maxed out credit cards). You should see how beautiful my normally ragged and chewed cuticles look. Every time I unconsciously find myself zeroing in on a good hangnail I stop, take a breath (or two or three) and relax my body. It takes the urge away. Please don't hesitate to stop me on the street and ask to see my hands!
This having been Valentine's Day week I want to remind you all that EVERY DAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY IF YOU KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"you seem different"
That's all I'm hearing these days. From the sound of my voice to the clarity of my eyes and skin people r really noticing that something is in fact different! I feel like I am generating a light and I feel light (noun and adjective). There is an expansive quality to my being that is partly La La Land (my destination of choice) and partly the mall (my other destination of choice). Meaning that I'm at once ethereal and grounded. At lunch with a friend who shall remain nameless i was told that i was acting like I was having a good LSD trip at a Grateful Dead concert. My mediations have been incredible. Seeing myself floating in the current room at the Casa and seeing myself wearing these fabulous gold manolo blahnik gypsy sandals that I want. The way I see it is that all things r possible! Am I making sense? I feel complete and total exceptance of my spiritual and physical sides. No judgment (that's the key!). Perfect alignment in a yoga pose or in life is effortless. When we r in that place then everything just flows with grace. Duh! Now I get it.
So I'm just sitting here swigging holy water, meditating, reading, teaching and watching Oprah. Have barely (and happily!) left my house in the last 10 days. This sense of contenment is so peaceful. I feel no "shoulds" or guilt about anything! That's big. I am seeing and holding myself in perfection. Not in the egotistical, boastful way but in the whole, complete essence of god way. Speaking of the connection to God. I just received my Verizon bill from my trip to Brazil: $700 !!!! Wish I had used my new found expansiveness to call people and not my cell phone.
Here is the last paragraph of The Prayer of Caritas (charity): God give us the strength to help our progress enabling us to rise up to you; give us pure charity; give us faith and reason; give us the humbleness that will make of our souls a mirror to reflect your image."
So I'm just sitting here swigging holy water, meditating, reading, teaching and watching Oprah. Have barely (and happily!) left my house in the last 10 days. This sense of contenment is so peaceful. I feel no "shoulds" or guilt about anything! That's big. I am seeing and holding myself in perfection. Not in the egotistical, boastful way but in the whole, complete essence of god way. Speaking of the connection to God. I just received my Verizon bill from my trip to Brazil: $700 !!!! Wish I had used my new found expansiveness to call people and not my cell phone.
Here is the last paragraph of The Prayer of Caritas (charity): God give us the strength to help our progress enabling us to rise up to you; give us pure charity; give us faith and reason; give us the humbleness that will make of our souls a mirror to reflect your image."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
what planet is this?
Can you believe I haven't exercised in almost 2 weeks and have about 3 more to go?! Its amazing how much more time I have on my hands. Physical activity has taken a backseat to meditation, reading and just being (okay a little online Scrabble and catching up on my tivo'd Oprahs). I realize now that I was overexercising -- in addition to my teaching schedule -- and that it wasn't doing me much good. It wasn't nurturing just depleting. I really like being a shlub. Its very peaceful and relaxing but I do look forward to my cold, hearty, outdoor walks come March 2 (but who's counting?).
Speaking of meditation -- I am sitting quietly twice a day for 15 to 30 minutes and loving it!! My trick is this: Lie down, legs and arms uncrossed, palms up for receiving. Don't do anything -- just ALLOW. When I say that word to myself my whole body relaxes and releases. That's it. You can inhale deeply and on your exhalation say the word ALLOW to yourself or even say it aloud. Report back to me on your progress.
Generally I feel great. I do feel like I am radiating clarity and contentment. Honestly, when I go to the supermarket I happily float down the aisles giving off that feel good vibe. People are looking at me strangely like: "What's in her cart? I got to get me some of that!"
Maybe its all the spiritual reading and clean living. Recently I read a quote about
life being a movie -- if that's the case then mine is rated G. Here is what I'm reading: John of God by Heather Cumming, Spiritual Alliances by Emma Bragdon, any books by Allan Kardec (founder of Spiritism) and my latest fave: Nosso Lar: An Account of Life in a Spirit Colony by Francisco Candido Xavier. All available at Amazon and my personal lending library.
Sending you all good vibes! xxoo
Speaking of meditation -- I am sitting quietly twice a day for 15 to 30 minutes and loving it!! My trick is this: Lie down, legs and arms uncrossed, palms up for receiving. Don't do anything -- just ALLOW. When I say that word to myself my whole body relaxes and releases. That's it. You can inhale deeply and on your exhalation say the word ALLOW to yourself or even say it aloud. Report back to me on your progress.
Generally I feel great. I do feel like I am radiating clarity and contentment. Honestly, when I go to the supermarket I happily float down the aisles giving off that feel good vibe. People are looking at me strangely like: "What's in her cart? I got to get me some of that!"
Maybe its all the spiritual reading and clean living. Recently I read a quote about
life being a movie -- if that's the case then mine is rated G. Here is what I'm reading: John of God by Heather Cumming, Spiritual Alliances by Emma Bragdon, any books by Allan Kardec (founder of Spiritism) and my latest fave: Nosso Lar: An Account of Life in a Spirit Colony by Francisco Candido Xavier. All available at Amazon and my personal lending library.
Sending you all good vibes! xxoo
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A week later....
Hey loved ones -- back for a little over a week now and due to your curiosity, interest and encouragement I have decided to continue the blog and chronicle my post John of God experiences. I hope you have been entertained, enlightened and engrossed: you just sit there and let me do the heavy lifting!! When I got home and read the blog from beginning to end I was amazed at my own transformation! You can clearly feel the skepticism and anxiety I had at the start of my journey and the awe and joy I felt (feel) at the end.
As you know, if you've been following, I didn't "feel" much while I was in Brazil and was almost at the point of whining and complaining about it like any good self-entitled upper middle class American (where is the transformation I paid for???) It reminded me of that song in A Chorus Line about the actress (Miranda?) who is the only one in her acting class who doesn't feel something. All the experienced J of Gers said not to worry that I would probably feel something when I got home. Well I do!!! The first week I had terrible diarrhea (TMI?)which I attributed to either Montezuma's(Entities?) revenge or a virus. But this was different. Go with me on this one.... I really feel that my system is being cleansed or rebooted in order to live a more healthy lifestyle. I am eating consciously and deliberately. Seriously, hardly any crap (no pun intended) but lots of whole, healthy, real meals. I am craving balanced meals instead of noshing all day in front of the fridge.
I think I understand why there is a 40 day post op period after spiritual surgery -- I am exhausted! Not normal exhaustion, or even post trip exhaustion (there is only a 3 hr time difference), I feel like I am actually recovering from something. Its not good or bad, it just is. I am sleeping 12 hrs a night and napping in the afternoon before Oprah. My movements are languid, my speech much slower and my yoga teaching more wordy than physical. I almost feel woozy yet I also feel solid. The most significant feeling is the sense of joy and contentment that permeates my entire being. Who is this person????? I may have been nice before but now I really mean it!! Yes, I am laughing as I write this.
As you know, if you've been following, I didn't "feel" much while I was in Brazil and was almost at the point of whining and complaining about it like any good self-entitled upper middle class American (where is the transformation I paid for???) It reminded me of that song in A Chorus Line about the actress (Miranda?) who is the only one in her acting class who doesn't feel something. All the experienced J of Gers said not to worry that I would probably feel something when I got home. Well I do!!! The first week I had terrible diarrhea (TMI?)which I attributed to either Montezuma's(Entities?) revenge or a virus. But this was different. Go with me on this one.... I really feel that my system is being cleansed or rebooted in order to live a more healthy lifestyle. I am eating consciously and deliberately. Seriously, hardly any crap (no pun intended) but lots of whole, healthy, real meals. I am craving balanced meals instead of noshing all day in front of the fridge.
I think I understand why there is a 40 day post op period after spiritual surgery -- I am exhausted! Not normal exhaustion, or even post trip exhaustion (there is only a 3 hr time difference), I feel like I am actually recovering from something. Its not good or bad, it just is. I am sleeping 12 hrs a night and napping in the afternoon before Oprah. My movements are languid, my speech much slower and my yoga teaching more wordy than physical. I almost feel woozy yet I also feel solid. The most significant feeling is the sense of joy and contentment that permeates my entire being. Who is this person????? I may have been nice before but now I really mean it!! Yes, I am laughing as I write this.
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